I'm feeling demotivated a lot lately, which is unusual for me. I can't say unmotivated, because I rarely have anything motivating me other than the brightness in my heart and my belief that tomorrow can be better than today.*
While playing Solitaire on my computer the other day (have to use all that power for something), I think I may have figured out a reason why.** I issue myself different small challenges, like keeping my point total higher than the time value all the time. Sometimes, however, I'll get distracted from my important Solitaire game by something else, and when I come back, the time value is 1300 or more and all my points are gone. At that point I usually just start over; the few times that I have tried to keep going after that (thinking that maybe the bonus at the end will push me back over the time value), I can't get anywhere. And that's embarrassing. Shamefully, horribly embarrassing. Waste of everyone's time, really.*** I would only wish it on my worst enemy, if I had one.
And that brings me to the lesson that Solitaire taught me: I use too much electricity.
*I'm being half-ironic. I don't quite know what the other half is.
**I've had similar periods of enlightenment from playing Minesweeper, but I can't remember what I learned. I internalize my lessons too much for that I guess.
***Like this post (oh snap!)****
****I promise to never do that again.
Note: Blogger suggested "dehumidified" for my "demotivated". I didn't think I made that word up, but true to my nature I'm not motivated enough to Google it right now. Besides, I'm plenty humidified.
I don't know when (or if) I have mentioned it during the course of my inane rambling over the last month or so, but I am doing a research project for my senior capstone.* Part of the project involves splitting us into groups of three and making us analyze the data that the entire class has been collecting, then making/giving presentations of our findings. It reminds me of science fair projects, except for the "working with other people" part.
I never worked with other people on the ones in middle/high school because, quite frankly**, I don't trust other people to do anything as well as I could, or even to do it right at all.
Unfortunately, the project is large enough that my "do it all myself" principle is overwhelmed by my "they should do something to get credit for a project this big" principle. Damned situational morality.
Even here in college I don't really trust everyone to be 100% competent, but I will give them some benefit of the doubt until I have reason to do otherwise.
Oh, while I remember. I feel better than I did when I wrote the last post. ...Yeah.
*I am a junior; you didn't miss anything. In that regard, at least.
**For me
Fuck.
...fuck.**
The events of the last 24 hours led to the following snippet of conversation some time I can't determine earlier this morning:
"I was just thinking...other people go out and drink, and I get a headache and throw up. Isn't that funny?"
"No."
"Well you and I obviously have very different senses of humor."
It's not self-deprecating humor, it's just my tendency to laugh at the suffering of others applying to myself as well.*
I still kinda have a headache, too. Being me, I refuse to take anything for it, because I've always had this feeling that pills would only weaken my immune system (intentionally or otherwise). At first I thought it was because I tried to use telepathy on...people, but after I got sick I decided to go with what had become the more reasonable cause.
In other news, I managed to get through the five days of "Spring Break" without accomplishing anything. Personally, I am proud.
*Actually, lately it seems to apply more to me than to other people, but it's still not focused on me, just negative circumstances in general.
**Said with a different emphasis, resembling the black "damn".
Still on campus.
Still doing this project.
One of my professors from last semester (I think it was last semester; may have been last year) asked me if I was living in the building now. It certainly feels like it sometimes; I've been here more of my waking hours than I've been at home for the last two weeks.
But your parting shot is almost over, February. And once it's done, nothing can hold me back.
Until the next time.
One of the routes I take home has this church on it. Almost all of them have those signs you can put letters up in...ah, you know what I mean. Anyway, they usually change it at least once a month, but it's been something like "No one can steal what is in your head or in your heart" for a long time. (Either that, or they're repeating one for once, but I don't think that's it.) I may be paraphrasing, my memory is one weird set of people.**
When I see that, I think it's partially true, at least. People are currently incapable of taking your memories and/or feelings for themselves (and depriving you of them in the process, as stealing implies). However, the idea that memories and the like can't be taken away by anything has always struck me as arrogant, or at least ignorant. As much as I wish it to be otherwise, people can take these things away, sometimes with something as simple as a blow to the head.*
*That's why I kick peoples' legs instead.
**When I describe some part of myself as being a distinct personality (and perhaps even when I refer to myself having more than one personality), I'm not really saying that I have more than one personality (at least, not very often), though I suppose it depends on one's definition of "personality"*****. What I'm getting at with such references is probably a cultural thing; we're used to putting on "different faces" for different people and situations. A lot of times, these faces can be reconciled with each other, but sometimes they seem so disparate that some form of rule-breaking explanation seems necessary. When I think that, I think of the way some people argue that Multiple Personality Disorder doesn't actually exist; they say it's just a culturally reinforced thing, some form of collective delusion. When I think of that, I usually also think of disappearing penis syndrome, which is prevalent in Asian societies.***
***I think we know why.****
****By "we", I mean myself and people reading this, not me and other versions, updates, rewrites, builds, or forms of me.
*****And, perhaps, the definition of "having". But I'm tired; February was a long month.
^
^This post was not really inspired by my Philosophy class...in fact, I haven't really gotten much out of it. All it is is a bunch of pretentious, self-important, long-winded guys writing long-winded, pretentious, self-confirming crap.
Nothing like me at all.
*looks back up*
Nope.
