No Use For A Title

Today was a weird day.

Not that any other day isn't.

I...hmm.

Well, it happens to everyone eventually.

Today, while taking calls, I hit the Release button early.

I meant to hit Mute so the person talking to me wouldn't hear me saying something to someone else, and I hit the Release button instead, ending the call.

I tried calling back both numbers we have for them on file; nothing.

Oh well, maybe they called back.

In other news, we got to pick up "prizes" that someone else wrapped when we met certain performance goals. I picked one that was wrapped in duct tape. When we went to open them at the end of the day, the guy who put it there said it "probably wasn't for you" and that he "got it in Health class".

I won't say what sorts of things a male shouldn't be receiving that would come from a Health class that passed through my head, but it turned out to be a sewing kit and a CPR plastic thing, so you don't have to kiss the person you're giving CPR to.

I'll hang onto it, but my breath is poisonous to humans most of the time anyway, so...

I still exist.

I know, I was shocked too.

Today was the first full day of actual "work," with no meetings or other such crap interspersed. And it was easy.

I still think I'm going to go with 8 weeks though.

hah, the electricity in every house up the street from this one is out.

I guess it really is the little things that count.

hmm.

Tomorrow is the end of week 2, out of either 8 or 10 (I'll decide that part based on how tomorrow goes, also taking into account another factor).

My new computer is up and running; only a few things left to do, like installing the DVD drive and XP Pro. I don't really need any of Pro's additions but it's a free upgrade, so I wouldn't need to use anyone's Home product key (or [gasp] buy the OS outright). At least it's no longer on 98, which couldn't use even half the RAM without having an insufficient memory error.

In supernatural news, I now believe that there are nine dimensions. I can only sense eight, but to me that says there is a ninth one out there, waiting. Somewhere.

I guess that's it for now.

Experiencing time as more than one dimension can be disconcerting at times; it can make things that happened years ago in 1-D time seem as if they happened today. Combine that with the fact that I tend to focus on negative things, and...

oh well.

I don't need complete validation, I don't need to find out that, in the end, every decision I made was the best possible one. I just need to know that I didn't fuck up too bad. That's what really counts.

My gaze attack still has power; I have to be focused on - though not necessarily have a line of sight on - the "target"; it seems to be a "third eye" thing.

Not that third eye.

Though, if I could get all of my eyes synchronized and working toward a common goal...it would frighten even me. *nods solemnly*

First day of my summer job, and I am tired. Too tired for the capital "t", even. I should probably sleep more than three hours tonight...

A lot has changed since this time last year. The outside world doesn't show it, but my inside world does. No matter how bad or good I think things are in a given moment, I always find myself back at or near this equilibrium, which is part of the reason I continue trying to derive my conscious state mathematically: it's not going to yield quantitative results, but it doesn't need to. Usually all of my analysis is for naught anyway, as I come to some sudden revelation about whatever it is I'm musing over, but the analysis at least gives me something to do. Not that I'd be bored otherwise, just...idle. Idle isn't good right now.

This is the first year at the internship (of three) that I'm counting down to the end from the beginning. It's not really because I don't like the job, but because I like the control. It's not really predictability, either; anarchy is fine if it is of my own design. While it is sometimes desirable to turn the reins over to some outside force, now is not such a time for me.

For my own crumbling sanity, this will probably be the last "big" post for a while. I have to start getting my shit in order so I have enough hit points to survive the end of the current cycle.

*bows out*

As far as I am concerned, it is the 8th, so I have circumvented quaint old safeguards against multiple double-posts. Ha!

I had to post this just because it's so damn awesome. I heard about it before, and I'm really thinking about doing it.

[I'll leave space here for those of you with the inclination to come up with possible scenarios.]

...

If you needed more space than that, you aren't one of those people anyway. I'm thinking about getting my body cremated when I die. That's not so abnormal these days, is it? Well, it is when you get your carbon compressed into diamonds afterward!

From lifegem.com:

"The proprietary LifeGem creation process creates diamonds from the true essence of our loved ones, the carbon. Our families receive the ashes as all others do when choosing cremation, except our families also receive a certified, high-quality LifeGem created diamond to memorialize their loved one's unique and wonderful life."


It's too bad they only have two colors, though...I'd want to make 5 of them, with different colors, then give them to an ethnically diverse group of people from around the world. Then, when there was a matter of global importance, they could let their powers combine, and summon me, Captain Pla-er, never mind that last part. But seriously though, I'm going to find out who would want a gem made of the mass of carbon that happened to be part of my body at my time of death.

When I first went to the site, it reminded me of the apparently-defunct manbeef.com, which claimed to sell human meat but was actually a parody (or so it said). When I typed in the URL, however, I got a warning page for an adult site, hence the defunct part. If they got new URLs like Goatse did, I'm not aware of them.

On another tangent, I wonder if anything will ever be back up at http://goatse.cx. It would be basically impossible to use for anything other than commemoration for the "real" goatse.cx. That makes me wonder how many other people stumbled across manbeef.com thinking they were going to see something completely innocent, like human meat for sale.

On that note, I fix the time display and hit the publish button.*

Edit (is it customary to put edit notices before notes [is it customary to call them notes? Footnote just sounds wrong]): I forgot to change PM to AM...and the day part. I'm only used to changing the hour, and sometimes the AM/PM thing. Also, Blogger put this post before the one I actually did on the 7th, just because the time/date thing was earlier. Wacky.

*After some typing and hitting spell check, which I never need anyway.**, ***

**And after typing that. And this, to avoid the need for another note.

***I actually did need the spell check that time...well, I knew I spelled the word wrong, at least, I think I did, so it's probably true. I also realized this throws the veracity of the other two notes into question.

My dreams went weird on me last night. Usually they have some direct - if symbolic - meaning, but I didn't really get anything out of these ones.

One of the first parts I remember started in Ireland, I believe. I think it was Ireland because I was on a green, grassy hill, and everyone was Catholic. (Other than the religion thing, it could have been other places, but that's my mental image of that place, so there) Apparently I was visiting with some people I know through college. I was facing toward the hill, when suddenly two relatively small dogs run past me. I turn around to see where they were going, and see that they were trying to fight this giant dog. It was probably about 5'6", and didn't really pay much attention to them. When it knocked one away casually, it was injured. (I'm sure you've used "it" to mean more than one thing in a sentence)

Suddenly, I was transported to my mother's house. I was standing on the porch (rofl, I put "porn" at first; that's not even close) looking down toward the bridge that leads to where the cars park, when suddenly I see that giant dog, except it is a lion this time. (How did I know it was the same creature? It was a dream. Stop asking dumb questions) So I teleport down there to get a closer look at it - which is harder than my dreams would have me believe - and see that, except for a couple of...er...nails(?) it has been declawed.

I said somewhere else that I think I feared the creature; in retrospect, it was just apprehension, something like "what are you doing here?" (Not sure if "you" or "here" should get emphasis; perhaps both.)

The next dream (pretty sure this was a separate episode) had me and a couple of other people in some kind of store or mall. I knew both of them, but I don't recognize their faces now that I'm outside the dream. (They said their names, but I can't remember) Anyway, me and the other guy (not to be confused with that other guy in any of his forms) were getting ready to play Mario Kart 64 on one of those demo systems they hook up in game stores. (I know it's weird to have N64 in such a store now, we even commented on it in the dream.)

There was some kind of scene shift, then, somehow, they notice some kind of mark on my back, just below my right shoulder. The girl pulls on it, eventually pulling out this weird cylinder-shaped black thing, diameter about that of a pinky fingernail's width, maybe a foot long. They said something about it being a tick that burrowed into me (?) and I said something along the lines of "I think I'd feel something like that." After that, I asked them to see if there were any more, and the dream ended.

I apologize for the long, rambling post.

Not that I'm sorry for it.

You don't have to be sorry to apologize.

You also don't have to apologize to be sorry, but that's a topic for another day.

Two posts in one day? Is there something wrong with me? (don't answer that.)

Actually, yes, there is.

It's fucking hot.

By it, I mean the temperature.

By fucking hot, I mean it's fucking hot.

By it, I mean...whoa, almost got caught in a loop there.

Just to have something else to put here, I'll put up a church sign I made on the site on the sign, and allow you to marvel at good words-putting-togetherness.

Holy shit.

I figured it out.

As with many problems I tried to solve, the end answer was that there is no answer (the other common solution is that there is no problem, but I'm not delusional, come on now). I should have been searching for why there was no answer instead of searching for an answer, but, you know, hindsight.

The metaphor that best suits this situation is that of a (set of?) physics problem(s?). In physics, there are two prevailing sets of mechanics: classical mechanics and quantum mechanics. Classical mechanics works well for large objects; it can predict the orbit of planets. However, it can't say anything about particle-sized objects; their paths are erratic, due to the Uncertainty Principle and the fact that they're fickle little bastards. *cough* For explaining them away, one must turn to quantum mechanics.

My problem (not the problem I was trying to solve, but the problem I was having in trying to solve that problem) is that I was trying to use classical mechanics the whole time. I quickly came to a solution for my s-er, the large body, but the rest of it wasn't coming to me, because the other objects were only particles. Yesterday I came up with the metaphorical quantum explanation for the particles' actions, and this morning (or maybe this afternoon, not actually sure) when I woke up, I realized the answer. There is no way to reconcile the paths of the two bodies, they inhabit different worlds. The chance of that changing is small, as their size differential is only getting larger. I now see that this will (hopefully, assuming reality isn't too openly hostile) allow me to continue using this explanation until the particles have zero mass and fly away, like photons. Then the "there is no problem" part will join the "there is no answer" part. Can't believe I didn't see this sooner; I feel like the guy who spent a year searching for an efficient path through an NP graph! *laughs a little too loudly*

But seriously, when I first thought of this, I felt a sense of liberation. It was like the whole world was new, and I had to go experience it all again. Luckily, that crap was soon replaced by the happy "buzz" I currently have.

And no, I wasn't/am not high.

But thanks for asking.

hmm. The spiders upstairs have been coming out in force lately. One landed in my water. It didn't look radioactive, so I just dumped it down the sink.

Last night, I restarted my lifting after what seems like a long time, and noticed that my biceps were blackening, to an almost-black purple. In retrospect, I realize that made me think of scurvy, like old-time pirates would get from being on the ocean without vitamins too long. Thusly, I took one of those multi-vitamins we have downstairs, and it went away.

I wonder if being without vitamins during the time I was gone assisted my situation (at the time)? Feed a cold, starve a fever, and all that. But then what do you do about the fever? It's like using a dryad to remove a siren; the siren is gone, but then how do you remove the dryad? (It's my metaphor, dammit.)

Then again, maybe my metaphors muddle my understanding; maybe subconsciously, maybe it doesn't matter either way. That would be a bad thing, since understanding is what I want most. Understand?

I haven't been sleeping much, because they taunt me in my dreams now. I think they know I've almost got them figured out in awakeland, so they're running out of places to get me. I haven't wished for anything so earnestly in my current memory than to be free from the negative aspects of their influence, so if you have a spare prayer, moment of meditation, ritual, or karma point, I could use it about now.

I wouldn't ask normally - ask anyone who knows my "normally" - but they expect me to face them with only my own power, which is inherently reduced when dealing with them. I'd hate to set a losing precedent more than I hate being unable to fully placate my self.

I suppose I may as well give another status report. A new coping mechanism has kicked in. Everything still sucks, but when I start to realize it, I become a humanoid hate conduit, and thus I am too busy being angry to give a fuck.

In my view, that means I'm all better.

For those of you who read these entries in the context of other entries in an attempt to understand what the hell I'm talking about better (an entirely unhealthy practice that I discourage) this is not giving in to the evil side of me because hatred is not evil. I'm not saying it's entirely good, either; it exists on its own plane, with the major axis being (for me, at least) intensity, ranging from simple dislike to a combination of disdain and contempt at the very existence of something and anything that it may encounter. And maybe a little bit more after that.

But does that make hate bad, to the point that it could be called a disorder? Is it bad to hate something so much that thinking of it can make it difficult to draw in air and continue walking?

Probably.

But I don't give a shit.